Getting Married? Lower your expectations, now.

My book begins “I’ve been married for twenty years, not to the same people but regardless….” I’m very pro-love and relationships. However, if you’ve never tied the knot, let me share a little of what happens AFTER you are supposed to be living your happily ever after.

That euphoric feeling of new love has similar qualities of a drug addiction: including heart palpitations, wild fantasies, lack of sleep and the vacillation between euphoria and misery eventually calms down. After being married for ten years what makes my heart race is when my husband surprises me with a giant, gluten-filled, pack of brownies and lets me pick the Netflix movie.

It’s a challenge sleeping in the same bed and frankly, sharing a sink with another human being. I started to ask questions I never dreamed would need to be asked:

Are those your pubic hairs in the shower soap, did you not see the pubic hairs? Why in the world did you not rinse the soap off?

Haven’t I asked you not to chomp? You know I have misophonia (become enraged at chomping sounds) stop chomping. Is that oatmeal? For the love of God how does a person chomp oatmeal?

You bought a reciprocating saw and you’re upset that I bought strappy sandals? Would you not agree that both are useful?

Did you just put sauce on my fish? That’s adding one million calories, why would you do that?

I told kid number two NOT to go out; she has a D in psychology. Why did you allow her to go out? I’m always the bad cop. Do you think that’s fair? Do you? Do you? Do you?

Even when you love a person, the day to day responsibilities and routines can wear on your last nerves. But, having someone you trust and know in and out has its advantages.

You no longer freak out if he/she doesn’t reply to your text in less than three seconds.

In social settings, you have a secret language and understand what it means when your husband/wife says “Excuse me for a minute, I must have left my glasses at the table.” It’s code for “The guy talking is full of dog s*** “ so I need to exit immediately, or I will stab him with the tiny umbrella from your pina colada.

If a serial killer came crashing into your bedroom, they would do everything possible to save you over saving themselves.

If you’re lucky, you find a person that thinks you're attractive in the morning, offers you ice water when you’re sick and laughs at all of your jokes.

These are the reasons people stay married. Now you know.